These blooming, vibrantly yellow forsythia dancing in the wind caught my eye. Location: downtown Grand Rapids
One of my favorite things to do is find a song that truly evokes something within me and learn more about how it was made. Without fail, the fruits of this endeavor produce both a newfound appreciation and deeper insight into a musical piece and the artists that created it through a bit of reading.
Recently, I stumbled upon the teenage-years anthem that is Fix You. Next to Believe by Yellowcard, this is one of the first songs I ever cried to. Naturally, I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to know how such a beautiful song could resonate with me and many others so much. I started writing this post several weeks ago in a creative outburst partially induced by the 5 mg edible I ate.
I was content leaving this in my ever-expanding drafts until I heard Fix You again the next morning on the local radio station, 94.5 FM. Then I listened to it again. And again. Among other synchronicities, I began to realize this was important to write.
According to genius lyrics, Chris Martin wrote Fix You on June 6th, 2005 for his wife at the time, Gwyneth, following the death of her father after battling with cancer.
It’s a heartfelt reminder that although we will never be able to fix each other, there is a deep, driving sense of love which steers us to comfort those dear to us, compelling us to guide them into lightness.
I get the sense we all are learning to heal, how to love, and how to be there for each other in this broken world. How to try.
It’s easy to get caught up in our sufferings, and the world’s sufferings, as if there is no end. We are all fighting tough, mostly unseen battles every day. And it sometimes seems as though the fires of our distress can threaten to blacken us completely.
But I am here to tell you there is Hope. And that these fiery trials we endure are actually for our ultimate good. Perhaps we can learn from the trees. We can recognize that whatever fire is singeing us, it does not mean our defeat. It does not mean our demise.
On the contrary, the momentary fires allow an opportunity for regrowth, for integration of the burns as part of its life rings. The burn scars actually serve as protection against infection for the tree. There are other benefits I won’t go into, but hopefully my point is clear by now.
Yet another reminder that comes to mind is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refusing to bow to King Nebuchadnezzer’s golden idol. They were thrown into the blazing furnace to be burned alive, yet “nor was a hair of their heads singed” (see Daniel chapter 3, for the full account). Jesus was with them in the fire and allowed them to emerge unscathed.
So, we may be tempted to avoid the refining fire entirely, to try to escape its pain. And, while painful it may be, perhaps we will find we are okay, even amidst the flames.
And we may even find that new life emerges from the soot and ash. Flowers, like the forsythia, will grow in the fertile soil, blooming for all to see.
The Light will guide us through to our home, and ignite our bones. And He can fix you. So let’s go home.
Until next time, and as always, with love,
Joe
By the way, Yellowcard did a lovely rendition of Fix You, as well.
I’m not much of one for wish lists, and to be clear, even if I was, a microscopic, mutated spike-protein virus named the Omicron variant of SARS-CoV-2 would not be on said list. Similarly, like what viruses do to cells, these little buggers hijacked my holiday season. Tiny bastards.
But let’s zoom out from my story for a moment. Christmas can also be a confusing, hectic time, as the secular and religious worlds collide.
Am I the only one wondering where we got the mythically jolly, fat, red-suit clad, white-bearded man named Santa Claus who judges us each year to be naughty or nice, comes down a chimney each year at Christmas to deliver gifts, eat a plate of cookies, and go on his merry way? And he sees me when I’m sleeping? Sounds like a weirdo, to me.
And don’t even get me started on the the Krampus. This creature, perhaps followed closely behind the abominable snowman, is the subject of my nightmares.
Now, I am by no means saying we should throw our imaginations out the window. On the contrary, actually. This folklore heavily contributes to the season being a magical time of joy and cheer.
Yet, for many of us, the holidays are lonely, full of grief, and sadness. Quarantined away from family and friends has made me empathize more than ever with those who are in this space.
Yet, in spite of the unideal circumstances, I feel more loved and joyful than one might think. One main vessel for said joy streams in from my phone in the form of voices and faces of people I love. Precious moments flood through my screen that include scenes like my nephew – the little drummer boy – having fun on my old drum kit, showing off his fort, and playing with new RC monster trucks. There have been virtual dinners shared and sweet check-in calls or thoughtful texts from friends.
Other packages of cheer come in a literal sense – delivered from kind friends and family (you know who you are). Some cheer is experiential – playing my keyboard, walking around the nature preserve by my apartment, writing this post, or getting lost in my books.
But the real Christmas cheer comes from within. It’s as if the cells in my body are in agreement, rejoicing, as if to say “The war is won! We, the great soldiers of the immune system army, have defeated the viral intruders!”
Similarly, as a follower of Jesus, Christmas means to celebrate that the war over sin, over our lives, over the world, is won.
Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.
Luke 2:11
The course of humanity is changed by the Light of His Presence. So, really, every day is Christmas.
This is the exact number of times I have orbited around the Sun on this planet we call Earth, according to my birth certificate.
How stupidly magnificent. Each of those 9,855 days. A complete miracle.
Each year I have been alive, I become more enamored with life itself.
Enamored with its twists and turns, its ebbs and flows, its changing of the seasons, the inevitability of change itself, the passage of time, the birth and death within, the letting go, the holding on, the (not-so) little moments, the humbling losses, glorious wins, the trials and tribulations, the endings, the beginnings, the character refinement, the learning, the unlearning, the adapting, the curious inquiry, the old friends, and the new ones, the inner growth, the outer perceptions, the radical acceptance, the embrace of imperfection, the courageous leap, the vulnerable plunge, the unforged path, the forward motion, the setbacks, the passionate outbursts, the unspoken moments, the purposeful creation, the intentional devotion, the tears of both joy and pain, the energy, the receptivity of love, that metaphysical thing, the waiting, the action, the rejection of the status quo, the dreams, the smiles, the laughs, the run-on sentences (who, not me!), the self-awareness, the collective vision, the blessed nature of being, of being human.
Somehow, all of these experiences, thoughts, feelings, and emotions shape us into who we are. Who I am. Who you are. And what a gift it is to be.
It is in these sort of ecclesiastical undertones of life that we find meaning (see Ecclesiastes, especially chapter three).
I am beginning to understand my life is enriched the less I am in my head and the more I am present in my work and to those around me. The less I try to control, and the more I surrender to the good Lord, the more fulfilling life becomes.
And through it all, I have Peace amidst the chaos. Peace that passes all understanding. Because, somehow, I choose to believe life is beautiful anyway.
May we take nothing for granted, and everything with gratitude. May we spill grace generously to those around us, and stay connected to the Source of Life.
“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”
—G. K. Chesterton
And so, I thank you for journeying with me on this wild ride so far. Cheers to another year, friend. (And hopefully many more!)
We live in an era of unprecedented distractions at every turn and glance. We are a generation that is addicted to our phones. Social networking sites like Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat – each vying for our most precious attention, advertisements in most every web-page barraging our eyeballs, endless video, TV, and movie streaming services like Netflix, YouTube, Hulu, and HBO, rule our precious time. Wading through these frequently shallow tides of constant entertainment can be, albeit fun and a time-filler, but ultimately is just temporary activity that can often be associated with filling in the lulls of our day with “the endless scroll” and never-ending media content. But what is giving you life?
My daily Screen Time average is 3 hours and 17 minutes a day, according to my iPhone. While I have been conditioning myself down and intentionally throttling my usage of SNS (social networking system), this is still almost 22% of my day if I estimate that I spend roughly 15 hours awake.
So what happens when we remove or step away from the distractions of technology? Why do we turn to it in the first place? What are we left with? We are left with our own thoughts to contend with. And, perhaps, we become uncomfortable in our own company. Why am I feeling anxious or depressed? Or, rather, what is this nebulous feeling of guilt lingering over my head? It can be a rather frightening, but eye-opening focus of the conscious mind. We are left with our own selves to contend with, and the freedom, or perhaps lack thereof, that exists inside our own minds. We are left with contemplating the existential and metaphysical, as opposed to the immediacy demanded by whatever device, screen, person, activity, object, or situation that may be preoccupying our attention. We are left with the reality that exists inside our minds in lieu of our quotidian, largely virtual, worlds.
My perspective on this is as follows: we are in a constant battle between those pressing tasks we need to complete that we all know so well – I have to get this bill taken care of right now, reply to this email ASAP as possible, text this friend, make these plans, etcetera.
Now, I am not saying these things are inherently good or bad, but that the ways in which we spend our time are vastly important.
The realm in which we leave ourselves at the expense of modern-day, first world, commonplace life is where I would like to explore with you today. This is a realm in which spirituality, a deep, intimate connection with the human condition and how we relate to the broken world we live in and what modern-day divination looks like.
Recently, I have been rather obsessed with exploring this and trying to gain insight into what faith, truth, a personal relationship with God, and core belief system looks like. In daily life, this looks like: forgoing immediate indulgence (not all the time, I will often quickly make a pint of ice cream disappear into the dark depths of my stomach), dedicating time for meditation, contemplation, and prayer, synthesizing information, reading Scripture, making connections with people, and listening for the Spirit’s guidance (more on this later, if you are confused). This is a space that looks inward as opposed to the outward. My sister once said “life flows from the inside out.”
This dude hasn’t even brought up quarantine yet, what a nance…
As our normally outward focused lives have shifted towards at-home environments, I would be remiss to omit that perhaps God has provided this pandemic not as an excuse to lazily wallow in self-pity and despair in bottomless pits of *insert whatever your personal guilty pleasure is*, but as an opportunity for growth, reflection, time to go on walks, to enjoy the little things, to enjoy the company of those around us. A time to find joy in the little things, to get back to what is important and beautifully simple. A time to rest in His loving presence.
This invisible, inward realm exists at the very center of our beings, the core of our bodies, our hearts.
I have really been struggling with how to foster a healthy relationship with social media as of late. In the spirit of transparency, I would like to share my current SNS boundaries:
My hope is this opens up the dialog and perhaps causes you, my dear reader, to be more intentional about your phone usage. It is not a one-size-fits-all boot. What works for me may not work for you.
Furthermore, the message I am attempting to convey is one that challenges and pushes the envelope of traditional American postmodern schools of thought, or even a post-post modernistic (oof!) viewpoint. But I digress.
*cue hypocritical reaction of realizing that my post-postmodern reference is actually quite in tune with the budding definitions of this age*
I am writing because of my own convictions and attempting to open my eyes to the narrow frame of mind I catch myself in every day and probe into the place only homo sapiens can go.
In order to dissect this existential place, we must mention the Bible at this point as a source of answers to the whole why are we here, what am I even doing bit (anyone else? just me? cool). As the overwhelmingly most-popular book in the world, why are we not collectively spending more of our time discussing its cultural and historical significance?
I am writing because I am sick of silence. I am writing because I feel that the risk of not writing is now greater to me than the risk I face from writing about my convictions. I am writing because I know I am not alone in how I am feeling. I am writing to push the self-doubt down into the abyss and replace it with an open, honest dialog. I am writing to deconstruct the whirlwind of my thoughts and hopefully provide a bit of clarity about what we should be spending our time doing and where to be focusing our attention and thoughts in a distracted world. Lastly, I am writing because I care about you, yes you, my beloved reader.
I am writing in an attempt to sift through an ocean (of mainly garbage?) that is American consumerism. I am writing because I believe many of us are tired. A culture of tired discontentedness, of always needing more, of self-glory and self-serving, a culture of inflated self-importance, a culture of overworking ourselves, refusing to slow down, and simply too busy to take a thought to its meaningful end. It is a cultural and societal norm that I oftentimes – or, rather, almost every waking moment – think is missing the mark.
We are creatures of habit. But what happens when we stir our routines up a bit? Or, better yet, even schedule time for reflection into our days? I assert that this can transcend our lives from being at the mercy of circumstantial event after event.
Putting one of my spiritual gifts of exhortation to work here, I’d like to invite anyone else still reading (if so, I appreciate you, seriously) to consider joining me in a movement to reflect on what my be some distractions in our lives keeping us from being our true selves.
For months now, I have been trying to find the perfect words to share amidst this tumultuous time, feeding my savior complex by thinking it is up to me to deliver us all by speaking some truth and encouragement over what you may be facing. The truth is, I can’t do it.
I love writing, but I have been living in the paralysis of fear, worried that my oh-so-esteemed reputation might be tarnished. Worried I will be judged for publicizing my personal struggles. Worried I may not say it perfectly. Trying to push it aside, to sweep it under my metaphorical brain rug, but it does not go away. And can I just say – to hell with that. My silence serves no one.
I feel deeply in my heart that many people are spiritually hungry right now. No wonder conspiracy theories are abounding at present. *exercises restraint to not tell a flat-earther joke* We may feel like we will fall off the earth at any moment. *couldn’t resist :)*
With so much uncertainty, so much unknown, we want to feel like we have answers, to feel like we are in control. The truth is, our limited human knowledge only goes so far and at the end of the day, we can only control ourselves – our own thoughts and actions.
If you are reading this, perhaps you feel discouraged, alone, overwhelmed, anxious, stagnant, fearful, complacent, rejected, unloved, shameful, guilty, angry, like a shell of your true self. Or maybe you are just bored, caught in the endless scroll, searching for a reprieve from unproductive political banter and a deluge of videos provided by the algorithmic, brain-hacking content of your social media companies vying for your attention in this quarantine season (but that is for another blog post) – in any case, you need to know these rather unpleasant descriptors do not rule your life. You are more than your problems. You are more than your mistakes. You do not have to live in darkness.
As Jesus says in John 12:46, "I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness."
You are not alone. You are not forgotten. You are forgiven. You are loved. You are a miracle, with breath in your lungs and blood rushing through your veins. I truly believe God is orchestrating this season of life that we might turn back to His Goodness.
You may call yourself a Christian, or identify with another religion, or perhaps you are very far from any sort of religion, or maybe you just think I am crazy at this point. Well, I drank a Clear Mind Kombucha booch! drink recently, so I can assure you that is not the case. The centaur in my room can back me up on this one.
Wherever you may be on the spiritual spectrum, I want to meet you in that place. I want to hear your reservations, to walk and talk with you.
Do you want to believe, but find your intellect standing in the way? I’ve been there. Like, a lot. Are you afraid? I’ve been there. We all have. But love is stronger than fear (1 John 4:16-18).
We don’t need to bear the weight of the world on our shoulders. Jesus did that for us on the cross (John 16:33). I want to invite you today to believe this. To search your heart, to honestly reflect on your life, and release your burdens to him.
You have the freedom through free will to accept the love of God through Christ. This is the Truth. Christianity is not just some ethereal philosophy of the mind. It is to be lived out in every aspect of life, something I struggle and fail at often, but strive to do every day. It is about a personal acceptance of God’s love into your heart. It’s about the Gospel message sinking down from your mind to your heart, the state of which is only between you and God.
For so many years of my life, I thought I could go my own way. In my arrogance and pride, I thought I was smarter than the millions mindlessly adhering to religious, oversimplified rules. Needless to say, I was humbled. But that is not what it is about. It is about your inner life, your soul, your heart, the very core of your being.
Jesus continually sought me out. Patiently waited as I turned away and wrestled with my doubts. The Spirit now strengthens me daily as I grow spiritually.
If you are still skeptical, I would love to hear where you are. Let’s be real. I recognize figuratively shouting over each other via social media is not the answer. We must get to the root of the issue, which takes time and a relationship built on mutual trust.
Please, friends, do not live in fear. The answer to fear is to trust in God’s promises. He will not fail you. I can personally attest to that. Take hold of the life that is waiting for you and find peace, joy, and fullness in Christ. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, to learn and unlearn, to make something new, to start fresh, to love yourself, to be bold today, to find the courage buried within you, to, God forbid, show some vulnerability. We are all growing; we are all figuring this thing called life as we go; we are all in this together. Alone, but together.
There are thoughts that resurface time and time again, the imploring voice inside the mind that ever so subtly but consistently presses on the conscience, “You should do this. You will be better for it.” Or, for the feelers out there, your heart groans and aches like mine with the burdens of past mistakes, shortcomings, and inadequacies, searching for something greater to quell the pain. Then there are the lies we rationalize to ourselves: we are not good enough, not worthy enough, or bold enough to be able to do such noble things, so we may as well just not even try. This is a small glimpse into the internal battle I have dealt with for much of my adult life so far.
Recent heartbreak and a death in the family have caused me to step back and take an honest look at my life, probing deep into my inner psyche, taking the time to reflect on the type of life I am presently living, and acknowledge the discrepancy between its current state and the type of life I want to be living, as the type of person I want to be.
Today, I took a huge step towards living out this change by getting baptized. The impetus for this is really quite simple when it all boils down, and it is this: Jesus has been knocking on my door for so long, but I continued to fight it. And fight it. And fight it. Until now.
“I can do this on my own, thank you.” “I don’t need help, I’m competent and capable.” “My way is the best way.” These are just some of the thoughts I kept telling myself for the longest time.
But then life happens. Things didn’t go as expected. We crash and burn. Adversity brings us to our knees. What now? Who do we turn to?
Any time I think I have things figured out, or my head starts getting too big because things seem to be going the way I want them to, based on my own selfish desires, God has a way of swiftly reminding me who is really in control. And in this comes the humbling realization that I am but a mere, broken human.
The older I get, the more I realize that everyone needs a bit of help from time to time. And that’s okay. Acknowledgement and acceptance of this is, in fact, the first step towards healing, connecting with those around us more deeply, and having the capacity to receive and show love.
Baptism is a public declaration of faith and symbolic of the new life that comes through accepting Jesus into the heart and deciding to trust in Him. It is a surrender of the self, and choosing to identify with what He did on the cross, so that I can be free from the bondage of sin in the name of Christ.
The Genius lyrics for Kanye’s song Water off of his new album Jesus is King is the vibe that best describes this spiritual experience and renewal. To me, this song embodies a heartfelt appeal to Jesus. And, just like the fluid nature of water, we have the ability as humans to flow, transform, and take on a different form at any point in time.
It’s such a funny, ironic realization for me: that to truly live, we must give our lives away. In this process, I have found the insecurities, inadequacies, and shortcomings that plagued my life for so long simply melt away. In its stead, there is a deep sense of peace and joy that resonates out of me.
I am starting a blog and writing about this experience for many reasons. Among them are: personal growth, processing and expressing my internal dialog through writing, speaking truth over the lies in my head telling me I’m not good enough, taking action to snuff out what would otherwise be questioning myself into inaction, and, perhaps most importantly, in the hopes that some of you reading this may find encouragement or need to hear that you are not alone, and know that 1.) with each day brings a new light and another opportunity for positive change 2.) your voice matters 3.) recognizing that silence breeds complacency, and complacency a whole host of other apathetic, nihilistic, cynical behavior (or maybe that’s just me). 4.) you are loved, forgiven, and so much more than a list of failures or bad habits. The list goes on…
The fruits of emptying myself of those selfish, instant-gratifying, internally damaging habits and replacing them with those “you will be better for this,” intrinsically good type of activities has been nothing short of revolutionary for me.
I have found that, when I am feeling discouraged, reaching out through a simple text or phone call to someone on my mind and offering a quick word of encouragement is often the best part of my day. I can’t really explain it. It’s just those small things that let the people you care about know you love them. I challenge you to do the same and see how it transforms your day.
Of course, I am only human, and bound to stumble and fall, but I will continue to trust the Artist that is molding me and acknowledge who I rely on for strength with whatever this crazy world throws at me next.
For God has not given us a Spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control. – 2 Timothy 1:7
Taking a deeper look at life. 
