There are thoughts that resurface time and time again, the imploring voice inside the mind that ever so subtly but consistently presses on the conscience, “You should do this. You will be better for it.” Or, for the feelers out there, your heart groans and aches like mine with the burdens of past mistakes, shortcomings, and inadequacies, searching for something greater to quell the pain. Then there are the lies we rationalize to ourselves: we are not good enough, not worthy enough, or bold enough to be able to do such noble things, so we may as well just not even try. This is a small glimpse into the internal battle I have dealt with for much of my adult life so far.
Recent heartbreak and a death in the family have caused me to step back and take an honest look at my life, probing deep into my inner psyche, taking the time to reflect on the type of life I am presently living, and acknowledge the discrepancy between its current state and the type of life I want to be living, as the type of person I want to be.
Today, I took a huge step towards living out this change by getting baptized. The impetus for this is really quite simple when it all boils down, and it is this: Jesus has been knocking on my door for so long, but I continued to fight it. And fight it. And fight it. Until now.
“I can do this on my own, thank you.” “I don’t need help, I’m competent and capable.” “My way is the best way.” These are just some of the thoughts I kept telling myself for the longest time.
But then life happens. Things didn’t go as expected. We crash and burn. Adversity brings us to our knees. What now? Who do we turn to?
Any time I think I have things figured out, or my head starts getting too big because things seem to be going the way I want them to, based on my own selfish desires, God has a way of swiftly reminding me who is really in control. And in this comes the humbling realization that I am but a mere, broken human.
The older I get, the more I realize that everyone needs a bit of help from time to time. And that’s okay. Acknowledgement and acceptance of this is, in fact, the first step towards healing, connecting with those around us more deeply, and having the capacity to receive and show love.
Baptism is a public declaration of faith and symbolic of the new life that comes through accepting Jesus into the heart and deciding to trust in Him. It is a surrender of the self, and choosing to identify with what He did on the cross, so that I can be free from the bondage of sin in the name of Christ.
The Genius lyrics for Kanye’s song Water off of his new album Jesus is King is the vibe that best describes this spiritual experience and renewal. To me, this song embodies a heartfelt appeal to Jesus. And, just like the fluid nature of water, we have the ability as humans to flow, transform, and take on a different form at any point in time.
It’s such a funny, ironic realization for me: that to truly live, we must give our lives away. In this process, I have found the insecurities, inadequacies, and shortcomings that plagued my life for so long simply melt away. In its stead, there is a deep sense of peace and joy that resonates out of me.
I am starting a blog and writing about this experience for many reasons. Among them are: personal growth, processing and expressing my internal dialog through writing, speaking truth over the lies in my head telling me I’m not good enough, taking action to snuff out what would otherwise be questioning myself into inaction, and, perhaps most importantly, in the hopes that some of you reading this may find encouragement or need to hear that you are not alone, and know that 1.) with each day brings a new light and another opportunity for positive change 2.) your voice matters 3.) recognizing that silence breeds complacency, and complacency a whole host of other apathetic, nihilistic, cynical behavior (or maybe that’s just me). 4.) you are loved, forgiven, and so much more than a list of failures or bad habits. The list goes on…
The fruits of emptying myself of those selfish, instant-gratifying, internally damaging habits and replacing them with those “you will be better for this,” intrinsically good type of activities has been nothing short of revolutionary for me.
I have found that, when I am feeling discouraged, reaching out through a simple text or phone call to someone on my mind and offering a quick word of encouragement is often the best part of my day. I can’t really explain it. It’s just those small things that let the people you care about know you love them. I challenge you to do the same and see how it transforms your day.
Of course, I am only human, and bound to stumble and fall, but I will continue to trust the Artist that is molding me and acknowledge who I rely on for strength with whatever this crazy world throws at me next.
For God has not given us a Spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control. – 2 Timothy 1:7
With love,
Joe
Taking a deeper look at life. 